Friday, November 19, 2010



Nationality: Scottish-Arab

Hair: Brown

Height: 6'1"

Eyes: Hazel Green

Body Type: Slender, whippet thin.

Sign: Virgo

Career: Actor, writer, advertising, Marketing and Public Relations, comedian, filmmaker, performer, stand-up comic, singer, dancer and artist.

Hobbies: Bicycling, Dance, Music (listening), Video Games, Writing a Book

Author of numerous celebrity biographies, reviews for film and television, as well as posts on YouTube under the name "Dane Youssef."

Was an advertising cartoonist for the School Store of the Children's Learning Center of Alameda, Intern for TCI Cablevision of Alameda (now Comcast) Danced with the Alameda School of Dance (as soloist, performed in four ballets and the College of Alameda, performed numerous ballet recitals. Is now working as a freelance writer, performer, artist, cartoonist, spokesman and consultant, etc.

Honors: President's Education Award, 2001, for Outstanding Academic Achievement, Voted Junior Prince of the Graduating Class of at his school (2001) and the offical represenitive to City Hall of the Alameda High English class, numerous certificates and honors from the Children's Learning Center. Graduate of the Children's Learning Center and Alameda High School, both class of 2001, commendations from religious rehabilitation services.

HIGHLIGHTS: Boyish, slender and overly-energenic, Dane Youssef is an odd, "colorful" type. The sort of entertainer that never picks a major. He enjoys versatility. Acting, singing, writing, drawing, filmmaking and others. He is apparently mulit-talented.

Apparently, but that's a simple misconception. Actually, he's just equally mediocre and pedestrian at different endeavors. And he has absolutely no attention span, so he is unable to focus on a single trade.

He is an outwardly spoken autistic--- a victim of Tourette Syndrome, Attention Deficit Disorder and Obsessive-Complusive Disorder. That last one, his superiors say, comes in very handy for perfectionism in the field.

A scouting executive for PREACH, Teamwork & Events discovered at the school they both attended during Dude's much younger years. This executive was impressed by his firey energy, Chaplin-like mannerisms and ability to make people laugh and really talk.

Unfortunetly, unlike everyone else, the exectuive was heavily put-off by Dane's raw open sewer mouth and third-grade sense of humor and so PREACH, TWAE wisely decided to seek recruits elsewhere.

The school requested Dane to direct a Christmas play one year because nobody else wanted the job. He wound up doing the writing himself with the head teacher of his classroom. A play directly for the school which would be aired on Cable Access. It wasn't well-written or well-directed. But, like a lot of things that were weak, boring, dull and idiotic, it still managed to get on TV.

Dane had his first taste of "publication" and wanted more.

But if you believe Darwin's theory, eventually Dane evolved and his lack of taste matured (Somewhat, I guess, but you'd have the ask the poor people trapped in the organization who are forced to work with him. Poor pathetic b*****ds). They met up at a mall years later and wound up discussing recruiting Youssef into the illustrious ranks of PREACH.

Well, here's proof of God, folks.

Dane himself says "is all about basically talents--performing talents--of all shapes and sizes coming together to create something special. Stand-up, singing, music, dance--anything that works onstage, That's what PREACH is all about. Finding fresh raw talent right off the streets and bringing it into the public eye and making their dreams to life."

Dane goes on to say, "What we at PREACH are really trying to market and perform is our vision. A dream. One we all share---fresh, off-beat people who march to the beat of their own drummer. Who come together and want to build this future in the entertainment industry. PREACH is about being constantly innovative. Experimenting and building, coming up with new ideas and trying them out.

Not just trying to be new and shocking. Novelty wears off, you know. Shock-'artists' like Tom Green and others do stuff that's just gross and provokative... and that's interesting for a few moments. It's like a car crash, morbid fascination. But it wears off. After a while you eventually realize, what you see is what you get.

And you wants so much more. It's only human nature. To hold onto the penis and s**t jokes is to cease to grow. To cease to evolve. To cease to improve. And we at PREACH are trying to get a little farther away from that.

True art always stands the test of time. We just want to see what we can do. And do it. Someone's got to change the whole world and the effects of history. I'm proud to be a part of all this."

Dane goes on to say a lot more, but we wisely tuned it out. I mean, really, who honestly cares?

Dane did not lend his desire to be a published writer to the little-read Alameda High Newsletter, nor did he lend his "day-player" acting ability to the drama club. "I regret it with every fiber of my being. It would have been just so damn great to be able to do my stuff without being such a damn outlaw. I fought teachers, other kids, authority figures... if I could go back in time and do it right, I would. But I can't. And I kick myself for it."

Being recruited into proves that there's a God. And he was willing to throw Dane a crumb.

Dane's biggest honors from the "hallowed halls" (that's right, that's written in quotation marks) of the school is being voted Junior Prince of Alameda High School, class of 2001. He was also a receipcent of Oustanding Achievement Awards from CLC for "Creativity," "Creative Writing," "Class Leadership" and "Most Likely To Succeed."

Poor, poor pathetic, deluded bastard. No one ever had the heart to tell him they pass those things out to everyone who went to that school with every full tank of gas. Every remedial serial freak who went to that school got one. Even the kid who ate his own scabs before they healed. Poor, poor deluded Dane.

Oh, well. Let the deluded little d**k dream, I mean, what else has he got?

In the summer of 2002, his dear sweet kitty passed away of cancer. Youssef made a movie about the cat's life before he passed away, which was aired several time on cable access television.

His hobbies are his very life, so his life is his hobby. He takes classical and modern ballet, bike-riding, exploring, learning money management. He helps out at home, walking the dog and finding all these ways to make his cat happy and screwing around on the internet.

He also occassionally writes celebrity bios and movie reviews. His birthday is September 17. He's a Virgo.

Guess what that stands for? No one's surprised.


  • Was an avid drinker of "flavored beers" (wine coolers), but had to quit due to a history of alcoholism in his family.
  • Although despises the TV show "Friends," is an avid fan of the short-lived spin-off "Joey."
  • Has done stand-up and MC'ing at local Karaoke competitions.
  • Favorite shows are "South Park," "Married... With Children," "Beavis & Butt-Head," "Duckman," "American Dad," "Will & Grace" and "Malcolm in the Middle."
  • Has an extensive vintage toy collection.
  • Believes marajuana should be legalized in certain parts of the US.
  • Favorite movies are "American Beauty," "Mystery Science Theatre 3000," "Crumb," "The Blair Witch Project" and "Blue Velvet."
  • Main Vice: J├Ągerbombers and '80's rock.
  • Believes that John Leguizamo is the most underrated Hispanic working talent. Believes Jennifer Lopez is the most overrated.
  • Favorite actor is Jim Carrey. Favorite actress is Neve Campbell. Favorite performer is Andy Kaufman.
  • Favorite ballet dancers are Mikhail Baryshnikov, Peter Martins, Natasha Makarova, Alexander Godunov and Gelsey Kirkland.
  • Has no favorite filmmaker due to his eclectic taste.
  • Has very eclectic tastes and enjoys great music of all kinds: Classical, alternative rock, heavy metal, jazz and old school rap.
  • Is a fan of the band KISS, particularly Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons. Even has an entire shelf consisting of KISS-based mechandise.
  • Went off his "no pork" diet after losing his Muslim faith due to along stream of misfortune (a long losing streak) and crippling depression.
  • Enjoys the art of Pablo Picasso and Salvador Dali.
  • Is militantly opposed to smoking. Is allergic to smoke and will not permit anyone to smoke near him and will actually hold his breath and run away from anyone who smokes in his vicinity. Believes they should outlaw smoking and get smokers to chew instead.
  • Hosted karaoke competitions at the Pop-Inn, The 400 Club, The 23 Club, The Rainbow Room and The Caribbean City.
  • Favorite children's book author is Roald Dahl and compares him to Dickens.
  • Loves the work of David Bowie.
  • Was considering being a professional criminal.
  • To get in shape, takes classical and modern ballet, Pilates, biking and walking.
  • Has a large red raised scar on his calf from a bike accident.
  • Is diagnosed with Asperger syndrome.
  • Has Tourette syndrome, Attention Deficit Disorder and is dyslexic. Also suffers from colitis.
  • Credits self-help legend Tony Robbins as his savior.
  • Is of Scottish-Muslim decent.
  • Attempted suicide on numerous occasions.
  • Has never smoked or done illegal drugs.
  • Loves the work of cartoonists Bill Watterson, Aaron McGrundler and R. Crumb.
  • Is an outspoken fan of Mike's Hard Berry Lemonade, J&B Coolers and Smirnoff Ice.
  • His birth was announced in the paper.
  • Has the form letter from Bill Clinton he recieved after writing to protest the slaughter of National Redwood Forests laminated and framed.
  • Framed many of the honors he got from his schools.
  • He has written celebrity bios and movie reviews, most of which have been posted already on the internet.
  • Was a class clown in high school, as well as the effete best friend of the popular girls.


"Ballet is everything. It is an art, a sport, an exercise, a form of therapy. It is even a lifestyle if you love it."

"There's just something about 'Two In A Half Men.' It's so boring. So calculated. So generic. So safe. So of course, it's immensely popular. It's not the kind of show anyone can grow to love. It's the type the whole world watches."

"The worst thing you can do to something real, original, honest and edgy is to make it mainstream."

"The Nazi party... that was some party!"

"What is ballet, really? It's everything, really. It's a form of exercise, a body sculpting. It's as an athletic sport as football. Only the players all work together to create something together instead of trying to stop the others efforts. It's an out-of-body, ESP spiritual experience. It's an art form. It's a happening. It's an event. It's everything and anything at once. Ballet is even therapeutic because it gets a lot of excess energy, thought and worry off your mind and body and replaces it with a pleasantly released serene feeling. Like climaxing or releasing stress. Many misconstrue that you need to be rich, posh, snobby, female, intellectual, upper-crust and thin as a wafer to get it. That's just narrow-minded stereotyping idiocy. All ballet really requires is that while you're doing it (every minute you're doing it), you to give everything about yourself every moment."

"There are cultures that believe that the camera can steal your soul. In a way, that's true. When you act in the theatre, on-stage in front of a live audience, the script, the scene, the dialouge, your image, your performance... it all melts together... it all intertwines... all it all floats into the air. Everyone breathes it in. It's all one contained moment. But when you act on film, be it TV, movie or otherwise... anyway captured on film... The camera steals your performance. Your voice, your image, your emoting... it entraps it on film and takes it away. Like trapping a bug in a glass bottle. Your performance doesn't belong to you anymore. It's theirs now. They can do whatever they want with it."

"I have the ideal legs for ballet. I have 'dancer's legs'! As for flexibility, I'm more rubbery than Gumby and his bastard cousin Stretch Armstrong… Everything else, yeeesh. Well...You do the math."

"If it wasn't for sex, men and women wouldn't have any use for one another. Except for friendly conversation. Sex is the one thing that forces people to come together. That and loneliness. We need each other to keep society connected and running. Would it not for sex, we all would have disconnected from on another (especially the different sexes), the system would have broken apart eons ago."

"The sight of the empty dance studio early in the morning... no one is around... it's a little drafty, but a little warm at the same time... a pair of worn, battered, beaten ballet slippers on the hardwood floor... the old, weathered, but still hard and durable barre' on the wall... the dust floating through the air by the sunlight at the window.... it's all so d***ed beautiful, you know. It makes it all worth it." (on ballet)

"Always carry a loaded weapon. To school, to church, to your wedding, your honeymoon. Even to family reunions."!/Dane_Youssef

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